


Can you keep a secret?

by crotch_centric



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Denial, F/F, Ghostbusters AU, Holtzbert - Freeform, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Self Acceptance, Self denial, at a nunnery?, ghostbusters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 03:24:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11981091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotch_centric/pseuds/crotch_centric
Summary: Erin and Holtz meet at a nunnery. Both are there for very different reasons following break-ups, which they share with each other. Just a quick one-shot with lots of dialogue. It's that ghostbusters AU that nobody asked for.





	Can you keep a secret?

**Author's Note:**

> Not really sure where this came from. Angst towards religion? Being super gay? Just another GB AU. IDK
> 
> It's also my first attempt at writing first-person and I can't decide how I feel about it.

“So what brings you here?”

 

It was such a forward, direct question. In a place like this, it was borderline uncalled for.

 

This was our first time in a room alone together (yes, I looked around the room to check) and she’s going to go there?

 

“Uh, what do you mean?” I stumbled through my answer because her intense gaze peaked my anxiety.

 

“Oh come on. I don’t know about everyone else here, but I see through your facade.” Well shit. I’m trying so hard to fit in  _ somewhere _ , literally anywhere. Day one: failure.

 

“Excuse me?? I could ask you the same question. What are you doing here??” From the look on her face, she again saw right through me. Defensiveness was a coping mechanism.

 

“Fair enough. I shouldn’t expect you to open up with your secrets if I’m not willing to be vulnerable with you too.” Her bright blue eyes intensified as she sat forward towards me. “Can you keep a secret?” There was no reason for her to whisper so softly; it was clear there was nobody else in earshot.

 

This woman was mystical. And charming. Boy was she charming. Was this a tactic to make me feel special? Does she have this little exchange with everyone, or is she singling me out for some mysterious reason?

 

“Sure.” I can keep a secret.

 

“No can do. I’m going to need a body fluid promise.”

 

“What??”

 

“Spit is most common.” She looked up from under her eyelashes and licked her palm. Why was it so seductive? Couldn’t say. But it was most definitely intentionally so. She reached her small hand out to shake mine. “Other options include blood, tears--”

 

“Okay, spit is fine. I’m a vault” I spit on my own palm and shook her hand. Part of me wanted to wait and see what other body fluids she was going to mention. How explicit would she have been… does she have a filter?

 

I stared at her, waiting. She stared back, contemplating.

 

“So what is it?”

 

“I have no interest in becoming a nun.”

 

“You say that as if it wasn’t obvious.”

 

“You say that as if you weren’t speaking in hindsight.”

 

“Touche. Why are you here?”

 

“I’m a curious person.”

 

“Aren’t we all?”

 

“Fiesty. I like that.”

 

“What’s your point?”

 

“I’m here to run an… experiment of sorts.”

 

“What’s your hypothesis?” She’s doing an experiment… on nuns?? Who does that?

 

“Well…” She took a deep breath, leaned back onto the sofa she was lounging on, and exhaled. Man I would  _ kill _ to exude that level of confidence and comfort. “As a woman who has no desire to marry a man, the rules of becoming a nun interest me.”

 

Why is she being so ambiguous? Is there more?

 

“That’s it?”

 

“That’s it.” She lies.

 

“So… what are you hoping to find?”

 

“What am I hoping? or what am I expecting?”

 

“Both?” Is there a difference? Well she must have asked for clarification for a reason.

 

“Well my hopes depend on what I find. I expect that a good chunk of the women here are living in some sort of self-denial or suppression and have made their way here in some subconscious attempt to compensate for that. In that case I’m hoping I can open their hearts to accepting themselves.”

 

She can honestly see right through me. This was the moment that part of my brain kept singing in Elsa’s voice,  _ “Conceal don’t feel, don’t let her knoooooowwwwww.” _

 

“And on the other hand?”

 

“On the other hand, I’m hoping it’s my own thinking that is overcomplicating this and that the majority of nuns here actually are indifferent to having romantic relationships. I know that’s not entirely likely, and based on current observations, I’m leaning towards the first.”

 

“Observations like what??”

 

“Okay, case 1: Zan. Have you met Zan?”

 

“Ummm, I don’t think so. I probably would remember a name like that.”

 

“Exactly. Okay, today’s your first day, no? If you haven’t met Zan yet you will definitely meet her tomorrow. She’s one of the head sisters.”

 

“And how does she fit into your observations?”

 

“Zan is undoubtedly the most butch woman I have known. My gaydar spins out of control when I see her interact with literally anyone. First off, her full name is Suzanne. Instead of going by Sister Suzie or Sister Sue or even Sister Suzanne, she goes by Zan. It’s edgy. It’s gay.”

 

“Is that why you go by J?”

 

“Hah, you catch on fast don’t you? I figured J would be more believable as a potential nun than Holtzmann, which is what I normally go by.”

 

“Fair enough.” Okay, so yeah. She’s gay. Confirmed.

 

“Secondly, she has a very stereotypical butch haircut. She claims it’s because her cowl fits better, but really that’s too practical to be straight. And third, she is such a total sweetheart and obviously plays favorites when it comes to Maria. They’ve got something going on. Whether or not they would ever think to admit it, I’m not sure.”

 

“So why do you think she’s a head nun?”

 

“I think she really does love her religion and the church. And the women here.” She said with a smirk. “And I think when she realized she was gay, she didn’t see it as a choice, so she dove in further, hoping that praying about it enough would simmer it down.”

 

“You think she knows?”

 

“Yes. She knows. She knows I know. And she knows that I know that she knows.”

 

“Have you talked about it?”

 

“Not directly. But we’ve talked about how wonderful Maria is.”

 

“How did that come up?”

 

“Well, she asked me about my history before I came here. So I told her I was a scientist. I told her I’m analytical, I love observing patterns, and people intrigue me because of their ability to confuse me. She knows I’m not here to be a nun, but doesn’t know exactly why I’m here.”

 

“...and then she brought up Maria?”

 

“Mmm, not without prompting. I didn’t explicitly out myself to her, but I told her that my ‘roommate’ and I had a big fight and she moved out and took our cat. So in interest of  _ soul searching _ , I found myself here.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Breakups are hard. What was she like?”

 

“Highly ambitious and driven. Quick witted. Vibrant and creative. A phenomenal story teller. But also reactive, self-destructive, and combative. She would flip between being a total sweetheart and letting me spoil her to shutting me out and not talking to me for days. She’s a remarkable woman, but nothing I did was enough for her. It was not healthy.”

 

“How long ago was that?”

 

“Well, I’ve been here for 8 weeks. So about ten or eleven weeks ago.”

 

“Wow. Still fresh then.”

 

“Yep. Anyway, so I gave Zan that quick explanation without saying we were lovers too. And she instinctively gave back that Maria can get like that too until she grounds her back to what’s actually going on instead of what’s going on in her head. I smiled and acknowledged her comment, sending telepathically as hard as I could that I understood her and it was okay.”

 

“Have you talked to Maria?”

 

“Yeah. Well, no not about that. But I’ve talked to her. I don’t think she’s there yet. I think she acknowledges that there’s a level of romantic involvement in her relationship with Zan and she knows that Zan is gay as hell, but hasn’t quite gotten to the point where she would let Zan push her up against a wall, you know?”

 

“Sure do.” I feel, Maria. I feel. I’ve just never heard it articulated like that before but yes, to that. Realistically, I would probably be super awkward if J went to push me up against a wall. But the thought of that. Hell, the thought of that is very… endearing, warming…

 

“Do you?” Her eyes narrowed on me again, her tone suspicious but not accusatory.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Then she showed me her tattoo.” She continued with her story probably in attempt to make me more comfortable.

 

“Zan did?”

 

“Yep. It was a little pink lambda right above her elbow on the inside of her arm.”

 

“Like wavelength lambda?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“What does it mean?”

 

“It stands for liberation. Which she told me that she liked that as a symbol of liberation for when she accepted God. What she didn’t mention, that I found out via google later, is that it means liberation for the gays. Liberation in accepting yourself, in loving yourself. You know, like coming out. It was the main LGBT symbol before the rainbow flag.”

 

“Yeah, so she’s definitely gay and wanted you to know that.”

 

“Exactly. So, Erin. What brings you here?”

 

“Well, I’m not planning on seducing the lesbian nuns who aren’t comfortable with themselves.”

 

“I’m very comfortable with myself.” That interruption was unnecessary and completely made me lose my train of thought. Almost as if she could see my inability to form words, she continued. “Plus, I’ve never really liked plans that are too set in stone. It complicates things.”

 

“It can. Anyway, I also decided to come here after a break-up.”

 

“What was he like?”

 

“Oh, now you’re assuming I’m straight? What about the hypothesis?”

 

“I wasn’t assuming you were straight. I was just assuming you were dating a man.” Damn, she’s good. And that clearly does align with her hypothesis.

 

“Hmm.” Okay, breath. Just continue. Don’t feed into this. “He was smart, a fellow physicist. He was a very… typical man. Always trying to one-up everyone. He valued his position more than mine, even though I have had more publications and experience in the field than him. He was overly decisive for us, and got away with it because I am not. My parents thought his personality complimented mine, but I did not enjoy spending time with him.”

 

“Which is a good reason to break up with someone.”

 

“Haha, for sure. I temporarily moved in with my sister and her husband who are just as devout Catholics as my parents. I was talking with them one night telling them that dating men just wasn’t doing it for me. I told them I was going to focus on my girls and friendships instead of dating.”

 

“Did you mean it?”

 

“Not entirely. I meant it when I said I was going to focus on women.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“But they caught on before I could find the courage to say more. They suggested that I pray about it and that they heard really good things about this nunnery in particular. So I figured it might be worth a shot. Could it really hurt?”

 

“So you’re here more because ‘why not’ than anything? And you also don’t want to date men.” That last part was a clear statement about me, not a question to confirm.

 

“Correct.” No sense of avoiding this conversation. It’s not like she doesn’t already know.

 

“Interesting. Well, if you ever want to collaborate on my studies, I would be willing to have another scientist help me collect data.”

 

“Keep talking.” It would definitely help pass the time. And if I could find and excuse to spend more time with her, I wouldn’t be opposed.

 

“Well, it would be essentially what I’m doing. Actually that depends. How good is your gaydar?”

 

“It’s mediocre at best. I’m a quick learner though.”

 

“Lessons might cost extra.”

 

“Oh yeah? In what ways can I pay you?”

 

“I’ll give you options. Quality time just might be enough.”

 

“Are you bribing me to go on dates with you?”

 

“I mean, if you’re offering…”

 

“Okay. That could work. What are my other options?”

 

“One level at a time, my dear.” Scandalous.

 

“Okay. So in exchange for letting me work for you, and me helping your experiment,  _ I  _ have to take  _ you  _ on dates?”

 

“When you put it like that you make it sound like you’re not getting anything out of it!”

 

“Well, maybe I’m not.”

 

“Not yet.” She winked. What does the wink mean???

 

“What does this job description entail, boss?”

 

“Submissive are you?” Oh god. Who is she? Doesn’t miss a beat. “I already know it’s not on your agenda to seduce people.” Being seduced is different though, right? GOD ERIN STOP. “So your job would be mostly prompting people to talk about why they came here, past relationships, general feelings towards men. Also lots of observations from afar. Flirting, especially. Take detailed notes. Obviously not in front of them, but later into a journal. Then we can code behavior together on my computer during individual prayer time when nobody will interrupt.”

 

“No interruptions?” It slipped out. I couldn’t take the words back into my mouth after they were out. And she caught right on.

 

“None. Nuns don’t fuck around with breaking protocol.”

 

“Nun… None?” It was a weak pun, but I couldn’t resist.

 

“Right on.”

 

There was a knock at the door. My skeleton nearly jumped out of my body.

 

“Hey ladies. Curfew is in about ten minutes, so please start making your way back to your rooms.” It had to be Zan, based on J’s description.

 

“Hi, I’m Erin.” I stood up to shake her hand. “Today was my first day here. I also haven’t been assigned to a room yet.”

 

“Oh, excuse me. Hi Erin, I’m Zan.” She shook my hand and glanced at J, then looked me up and down. “J, there’s a vacant room across the hall from you down in the left wing, right?”

 

“I believe so.” How is she so calm??

 

“Do you mind showing Erin to it?” She’s onto us. And she’s catalyzing this??

 

“Not a problem. Thanks Zan.”

 

“Goodnight ladies. Erin, it was lovely to meet you.”

 

“You too. Thank you so much! We’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow.”

 

I held my hand out to J to help her up, and really just as a reason to touch her. She knew this. We walked back to our rooms, which were apparently all the way down a hallway away from all the other rooms.

 

Without speaking, we both had the same exact thing on our mind. How easy it would be to push this further. How easy it would be to have a secret relationship… especially a romantic one during prayer time.

 

“Man, we really are way far away from everyone, huh?” I had to bring it up. It was too quiet.

 

“Thanks Zan.” She said out loud, as she grabbed my hand after we rounded the corner. “You’re more than welcome to join me in my room for a bit. I’m not tired yet.”

 

“Okay, sure.” I wasn’t either. Not a bit. Maybe it wouldn’t be my best move to stay the night in someone else’s room my first night at the nunnery. Correction: it was not a good move to stay the night in someone else’s room my first night here. But at the moment, and all the moments to come, it was worth it. It would be more than worth getting kicked out of a nunnery to spend hours laying next to (on? beneath?) this woman. And  _ that _ was an opportunity I could not pass up.

 


End file.
